did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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