vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
