dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
