As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
