Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
