I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
