You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize