The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
