At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
