Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
