dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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