If i come over, it means nothing
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
