you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
