No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
