im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Randomize
