can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
