i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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