I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
we made out on top of his cat.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
