Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
