Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
