i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I need moral support for this bender
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
