Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
