1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
so much tequila, so little girl.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
