and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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