I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
