I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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