Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
