so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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