Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
