Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
its liver damage thursday
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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