That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
