quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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