Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
