i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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