Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
