Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
