Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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