our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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