Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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