You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
