was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
