got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
