you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize