she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
