JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
