If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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