Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
