Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
