It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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