My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You pole danced in your parka.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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