I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
