His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
