Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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