why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
