hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
