Who wears a wallet chain?!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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