I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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