Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
