Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
