so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
